I can’t write papers.  I just dont have it in me anymore. 

Today is about Boys

After class I went to the library with Howard and we laid on the floor in one of the more obscure book rooms.  He was reading “Picture of Dorian Gray” and we were talking about how gay the book is and how theres not a fine line between gay and European.  I asked him what he was if he wasn’t European and I think for a minute there we had some tension.

We didnt stay long though because I was running a meeting at 7 and I had invited this kid Conner to come.  I met him on Saturday, but he didnt remember.  Still I added him on facebook and he messaged me about the meeting and I convinced him to show up.  The meeting went pretty well, but after we just stood around talked for something like an hour.  Finally I ended the conversation, but I asked if we could numbers.  I think I like him depiteee…

Last night while I was working on a paper with Oliver, Mara and Dalton came to visit us.  The three of them got food and then came back and we talked about the weekend.  I told Mara that I had talked to this guy Conner and apparently this guy she hates asked her to set him up with Dalton, who apparently he had a crush on.  Dalton seemed like he knew him and said that he was a nice guy, he just… couldn’t be big spoon.  So yeah, he is kinda small, not gorgeous, but cute, what I’m looking for.  It’s funny, I’m testing out Mitch’s method of meeting guys.  I feel a bit creepy, but at least my intentions are better than his.

Finally this other guy Joey asked me to come to his a cappella concert.  I’ve talked to him maybe once, but he’s cute and I actually want to go to this groups concert.  I was thinking I might audition for this group.  I wouldn’t tell anyone, just do it and see if I get in.  

Anyway, prospects look nice and if I can just get this paper done I’ll feel so good!

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, whether I need to kepe learning or not, whether I need to leave this state, leave this country, leave this language, this structure.  Abandon it all for something that I could never have predicted as a child.

I was thinking about that morning I spent with Mara, when we smoked and I was so high I thought I was tripping.  It was late fall, but it was sunny and the two of us sat at a picnic table and everything in the world just seemed right.  My teenage life was about to end on a sunny day at a university with a girl I really cared about.  It was so cliche and normally I hate that, but in that moment, I think I felt the most comfortable I have since I moved away from home.  It was what I wanted, what I envision my future to be.  It was sunshine.  It was skinny.  It was straight.  It was mine.

So the boyfriend of the girl who lives next door went home for the semester.  He was so close to the end too.  He was in the hospital this weekend.  Apparently he’s always had some psychological issues, but their breakup was too much for him to handle.  Somehow after being together five years, he’s been able to hide whatever problem he’s had from her.  It really blows my mind, but more than anything I can’t believe that she had become his entire life to the point that he didn’t want to live without her.  It wasn’t even a break-up, just a break.

Anyway, it makes me happy that I’ve sorted out my personal issues for the most part and I don’t have all that much psychological trauma relatively.  I have my moments of course when I hate my sexuality, my body, my lack of perseverance or my occasional failures.  Still these are silly little things and I think time will sort out everything.

Hey there.  So I haven’t been on here in a long time.  I think that’s a good thing though.  My thoughts have shifted a lot since classes and papers have been kicking my ass lately.   I’ve been thinking about all sorts of stuff, like the future and where I want go, live, invest myself emotionally.  These are things that need to be thought of ahead of time.

It’s been a while since i talked to Dalton and I only saw him once since then, but everything seems cool.  I just realized though that I haven’t been thinking about him.  It was as if as soon as we talked those thoughts just stopped and I’m happy about it.  In terms of relationships, therese that guy Sean I was with over break, but we dont talk much and he doesn’t come up in my thoughts all that much either.  

As for Oliver, I feel myself constantly wanting to spend time with him, almost jealous of his closer friends, but I’ve never had a moment where i want to hold is hand and we havent been hugging all that much lately either.  I think when you see someone that often it’s not all that necessary though something Ken doesn’t seem to understand.

Today I was outside with Ken, Alyssa and Carrie talking about a move that they did.  Carrie said she would have liked to be completely straight.  So I said, ‘being completely straight is for squares.’  Everyone laughed and Alyssa gave me a hug and Ken high fived me and told me that was awesome.  Then I didn’t think of it again until right now.  I think I’m doing good. 

Mara is seeing this guy Parker.  I met him through Fran last semester and I consider us pretty good friends.  We’ve eaten together before and stuff, but he’s really Fran’s friend and I think it’s weird for her.  I really like him and absolutely trust him to not mess with her head like most guys she picks out.  He slept in her room last night.  Tina’s roommate is home for the weekend so I slept in her bed.  So drunk.

I also talked to Tina last night.  She asked me if I was uncomfortable with Mara and Parker.  I thought about it too much, but told her that I was totally ok with it.  I’m afraid that I still gave the impression that I’m not.  Also we talked about me a bit, which I’ve never dont with her before.  It was nice and we hung out some this morning before I walke back and met everyone for breakfast.  

Fran is stressed as usual so she stayed in.

Lydia and Will have been lazy as ever, but I feel like they’ve gotten better.  If anything they have each other.

Zeke is probably crossing tonight, so it’ll be exciting for him and he’s finally hanging out with us again.

Ken and I are worker here over the summer together.  He’s super involved and loaded with work, so I don’t know how he does it.  

Alyssa has been especially cheery lately.  She doesn’t go out, but she has a lot on her plate.  Still she’s been seeking me out a lot more and I think we’re going to be the best room mates ever.

I’m honestly baffled by how much my life has changed.  I feel like things go so slowly sometimes, but in reality I’d like things to slow down a lot more.  It bugs me out that high school was so long ago.  I think that has something to do with how badly I wanted to escape from there.  At the time I honestly couldn’t comprehend life without that structure that’s been ingrained in me for 12 years.  I guess I’m asleep a lot more too, huh?

Even in the past semester a lot has changed.  This weekend was the earth day festival, which one year ago today was the first time I took a picture with Fran.  That was back when I was just starting to know her and thought it was so strange that we were becoming friends.  Last semester she was taking up all my time, but now Oliver and Alyssa have sort of invaded and taken over a lot of my attention.

It’s as if me and Oliver have this strange platonic love thing going on.  I’m sure a lot of people think we’re dating since he’s out and I’m just… ambiguous.  That doesn’t bother me, what does is the possibility that he thinks it might be going somewhere when it’s not.  I do want to cuddle with him and spend all my time with him, he’s just not what I’m looking for and theres no way to fabricate feelings that aren’t there.  Anyway, it’s really nice that he has all these other friends from past years here that he wants me to meet and I’m always ready to broaden my social circle.  I do wonder if by next year I’ll jut be one of those other people though.  I have a feeling he’s been just as close with me as he has with many others.  The same isn’t true for me.  Or maybe it is and I just undervalue my friendships.  I’m just thinking about how weird it was to be so close to Fran and how it’s not that weird to be so close to Oliver.